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The Reasons Why I Stopped Being Homophobic

Posted by ManOMan on December 28, 2012 at 10:40 AM

The article below was sent to me today by one of my gay cousins. I am not gay but reading that article made me think about how far I have come from being a very homophobic person myself. I am starting to really see that people who are gay are not these evil abominations who are here to molest and pervert me or somebody elses kid. I won't lie and say that I really believed this way when I was younger because it was put in my head by other ignorant homophobics or religious fanatics but as I opened my mind and grew, I began to see that homophobia is another ploy to divide, control and promote fear and violence with. I allowed myself to be more opened to the gays and found them to be some of the most loyalest, coolest, smart and friendliest people ever! So yeah, I agree that homophobia must end and I have started ending it with me!



If you look up "homophobia" in the dictionary, it will probably tell you that it is the fear of homosexuals.

While many would take issue with that definition, it is nevertheless true that in many ways, it really is a fear of homosexuality or at least homosexuals, as we will see in this essay.

Homophobia is widespread in America, far more widespread than most heterosexuals realize, and it is far more subtle, too. The discrimination it inspires touches the lives of many Americans, not just gay Americans, but all Americans. And America pays a very dear price for it as we shall see.


The Effects of Homophobia On American Society

In 1994, during the campaign of Oliver North for the U.S. Senate, there were several of his supporters seen carrying signs along a Virginia freeway that read, "Homophobia Doesn`t Kill." By announcing that belief, they were exposing their ignorance to the world, because homophobia does kill, and it kills with surprising frequency.

There are the obvious murders inspired by hatred. In the U.S., they number in the dozens every year. Abroad, the numbers run to the hundreds to thousands, no one knows the precise number for sure, as in many countries, the deaths of homosexuals are not considered worth recording as a separate category.

But there are other ways in which homophobia kills. There are countless suicides every year by gay men and lesbians, particularly youth, which mental health professionals tell us1 are not the direct result of the victim`s homosexuality, but is actually the result of how the homosexual is treated by society. When one lives with rejection day after day, and society discounts one`s value constantly, it is difficult to maintain perspective and realize that the problem is others` perceptions, not one`s own, which is why suicide is several times as common among gay men as it is among straight men.

Perhaps the highest price is paid by youth. The young person just emerging into adulthood who has begun to realize that he is different, and the difference is not approved of, finds acceptance of self particularly difficult. This is especially true when others perceive the young person as different, and persecute him as a result, with little effort made by authority figures to stop the torment. This is why gay youth commit suicide at a rate of about seven times that of straight youth. Yet it is surprising how often homophobes actually try to prevent intervention by teachers in the schools!


The Reasons Homophobes Give For Their Hatred

It`s not natural. Well, that`s probably the weakest argument of all, since biologists frequently see homosexual behavior in other animal species, and in livestock ranching, homosexual behavior is so common it is considered a problem. Homosexual behaviors have been noted in every primate species so far studied, and in man`s closest living relatives, the bonobo chimpanzees, bisexual behavior is universal.

Among humans, homosexuality is found in all cultures and with about the same frequency it is found in America. Cultural norms seem to have little influence on the incidence of homosexual behavior. So the claim that it isn`t natural becomes rather difficult to support.

It`s a perversion. This is really a variation of the "it`s not natural" argument, and so there`s no need to reiterate what has been said in the above paragraphs, other than to say that it is the `natural` argument with a religious overtone. And being essentially a religious argument, it has little place in a society that believes in the separation of the powers of church and state.

It`s against God`s law. Well, of course this is a purely religious argument, and it presumes that the homosexual is or should be bound by the religious principles that are propounded here by the religionist.

The fact of the matter is that since this society and its government were founded on the notion of the separation of church and state, to encode in a secular law an idea that has purely religious purposes, is a clear violation of the principle of the separation of church and state. Until the religionist can come up with a sound reason why society benefits by the outlawing of homosexual activity, then there is no moral basis for such a law if one accepts the principle of religious freedom as encoded in the doctrine of the separation of church and state.

It`s disgusting. Has the person who says that ever watched sausage being made?

There are many things that go on in society that we would consider disgusting, but we don`t outlaw them just because of that. In fact, many of these activities are quite essential to the functioning of a modern society, but we simply turn our minds to other matters and don`t concern ourselves with them.

Heterosexuals need to remember that they themselves are `disgusting` to many homosexuals; it will come as quite a surprise for them to discover that the feeling is mutual. Yet it would be ludicrous for the gay person to suggest that heterosexuality ought to be persecuted; why shouldn`t it work just as well the other way around? Isn`t respect and tolerance a two way street?


The Real Reasons Behind Their Hatred

Us versus them: It is the subconscious belief that if someone else is granted rights, those rights come at one`s own expense. For example, one of the oft-quoted reasons why some oppose gay marriage is that it will somehow threaten the heterosexual institution of marriage. Just how that would happen is never explained, but those who agree with the notion don`t have to explain; to them it seems a reasonable proposition, because they feel the threat, even if they can`t put their finger on why.

Obviously, this reason is an emotional reaction rather than a reasoned argument. Yet the fact that it is simply an emotional reaction is not relevant to the bigot; he believes that since he believes it, it must be true. And that is good enough. No evidence is neccessary.

Loss of control: It has been my experience that the more conservative an individual he is, the more concerned he is about being able to control his environment.

Someone who lives life in a manner quite different that oneself represents a threat to that individual. The threat is a threat to the ego in the sense that one`s own choices may prove not to be optimal; it is also a subconscious threat to one`s security in the sense that the other may prove to be more successful.

Again, the threat here is an emotional one, not a real, tangible threat. And again, there`s no real-world evidence to support it. But emotion is what drives the bigot.

The reason for the emotion is actually a primal instinct. When one examines the dominance-submission behaviors in other species, they often have sexual overtones, especially in other primate species. If a dominant male wants the food or mate posessed by a subordinate, he`ll often bite the subordinate, causing him to yelp in pain and drop the food or the female, and then present his rump.

It is the presentation of the rump that is key here. It`s saying to the dominant male and the rest of the troupe that the subordinant male is submissive and that the dominant male can have his way with him, regardless of the extent that may take. It`s essentially a submission to rape, should the dominant male desire to do so.

It is that instinctual fear of rape that drives much of homophobia. Straight men often instinctually see gay men as a threat, and they instictively fear that threat. It`s a fear of a loss of control, of dominance, of status.

The threat is very real - in some rare, isolated circumstances. This instinctive means of asserting dominance is the source of prison rape. It`s why men, who on the inside of prisons rape other men with brutal frequency become promiscuous heterosexuals on the outside. Such men almost never have sex with other men as a means of emotional sharing, it`s rather a violent act, intended to control, assert dominance and force other men intoa subordinate position.

Well, straight men, you can relax. The vast majority of us gay men don`t want our way with you. We have sex for the same reason that most of you do - as a part of the expression of love, caring, concern and commitment. Since we`re not likely to get it from you, you`re not attractive to us and you have nothing to fear from us.

The small minority (and it`s a very small minority) of gay men who actually do enjoy seducing straight men invariably do so with understanding and respect for the straight man`s concerns and fears. Such encounters are conducted in an atmosphere of equality of the shared emotional experience, and a recognition and respect for the straight man`s need for parity and discretion.

Threat to one`s world-view: When someone has held to the same ideas and has staunchly advocated them all of his life, someone else who says he`s wrong can be rather threatening.

The notion that "that old time religion is good enough for me" is one that is a lot more than just an old song, it represents a fundamental attitude towards one`s roots that make it difficult to accept that one has been wrong all of one`s life.

If a gay person comes along and says, "hey, look at me, I`m a productive, contributing member of society with values and ideals that make me little different than you," that person is a threat to someone who has believed all his life what he may have been told since he was young; that gay people are somehow perverted, miserable, lonely people who live short, desperate lives. Yet to the amazement of many, as the AIDS epidemic has forced thousands of gay people out of the closet, these gay people have proved not to be the stereotypes people had believed; but rather ordinary folks like themselves.

Another unsupported emotional reaction, not a real threat. Again, not worthy of consideration as a real reason for being the basis of public policy. Fear of rape: This is probably the most emotional and irrational of all of thehomophobe`s fears, but is probably the most universal. It is the origin of the old saw about `covering your butt` and numerous other similar admonitions.

Yet the fact is that there are very, very few gay men who would prefer to have sex with heterosexual men, particularly those who would not be willing to cooperate. Why go to the trouble? Only a narcissist would believe that forced sex with himself would be preferable to cooperative and appreciated sex with someone else. Yet it is amazing to me how many heterosexual men actually, subconsciously, at least, feel this way. Maybe this says something about the universality of narcissism!

This is obviously an emotional reaction. Again, there are very few incidents of homosexual rape of heterosexuals, and the chances of becoming a victim are far less than being struck by lightening. But that doesn`t assuage the fear.

Fear that one may actually be homosexual himself: Homosexuality is, by even the most conservative estimates, far more common than the number of open homosexuals would imply. And with the realization that bisexuality is actually fairly common, particularly among women, there is a genuine fear among the more conservative that they, themselves, may be homosexual, particularly if they have had a homosexual experience in their past which they actually enjoyed. And since surveys indicate that approximately 64% of adult males in the United States have, there are lots of candidates out there for that fear. Compounding this can be religion-based guilt, often promoted by televangelists who have made a career of promoting homophobia.

The fear leads to a subconscious reaction: hate and/or kill the queer and you`re not like him, because you`ve distanced yourself from him. Irrational, isn`t it? Yet that`s the subconscious logic involved.

One robin does not a summer make and one homosexual experience does not a queer make. It`s really that simple. For me, being gay means that I prefer relationships with men.


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Reply KarenW
12:37 AM on April 13, 2013 
it is not just us vs. them it is the kenetic energy put out by both sides like the pendulem balls suspend on the exective desk. bring one way andl let it go the other on the opposing end repels and swings back with an equal but oppsing force. It is the kind of BS that has kept humans from reallizing their potential and alikeness by programed "differenences". Realizing that this tit for tat business is not going to change until the individual decides to change themselves and "stop the insanity" is the only way to fix it.. One thought at a time.

Congradulations on coming out of the dark.

I love my Gay friends. My lifestyle changed from my 20's and I no longer have a fun "gay" friend to hang with but my husband would have a cow. But my husband is going one way and I am going another. I see it and I don't know that the changing I am doing in energy that he will keep up. He already told me that he would not consider rethinking his belief system when I begain to rethink my programing back to my true nature. I have resisted and tried to bury for the last twenty years I finally said enough!. . Now that I am freeing myself I am spiritually allowing myself to remember or becoming what I was meant to be.

Sometimes changing means you have to allow others to continue with their own perosnal beliefs. You can not make the horse drink the water nor can u convience someone a stove top is hot.

Eventually, Salves were freed. The Gay issue will resolve as people change their thoutghs and vibrations. The trick is not to have the continued vibrational tension between the two groups. What each group doesn't get is when you go back to spirit you won't care and you probably have been gay before in another life and enjoyed it. Big Whoop if another person is choosing it now.
Reply Zorro25
2:50 AM on January 11, 2013 
There is no norm but to the standard of being human.....to each other who we love and our sexual preferences includes just that. A society created norm is artificial in itself as the only norm is that people are people in all shapes and sizes while the fabricated society and its attempts to divide us against our fellow brother or sister yet we are all the same. Experience is different yet universal to the whole....
Reply Maria aka Xc
11:44 PM on December 31, 2012 
YoungWarrior... you really have come a long way. It warms my heart to know that you were able to see through all the misconceptions of those who don't fit 'the norm' that society imposes. I'm just half way through the article, but loving it so far!