( this story might be long, I hope you dont mind reading it , the point I try to make comes across in the end I hope)
Hi, in case you didnt know, i have Narcolepsy and it really has changed everything for me. Now that I look back I realize that it was the reason I was aware of my first astral projection earlier this year. The reason I take all these medications like adderall and lexapro.
Its helped me wake up. I dont meditate, if I ever am feeling down or out of it or just feel like I need answers I notice that ive always tended to just sleep it off.
But the more awake I get I realize that maybe me sleeping it off is just another way for me to meditate and get answers and things.
A while after i had my first astral experience, 3 months ago maybe. I was so scared to even go to sleep. I was scared that I would see monsters from insidious or who knows what else would happen.
So I avoided it completley. Also during that time i was taken off of one of my medications for cataplexy and narcolepsy. Cataplexy meds were the only thing keeping my body from not getting paralyzed if I did something as simple as laugh.
I went to school the first few days and it could have been my mind or the meds, maybe both. Thats what cataplexy does, its in your mind but even the things you think affect your body so much.
Maybe around the third day of that week is when problems started, I knew something was up the moment I awoke that morning. My kness felt like they were ready to buckle and I could feel my eyelids droop along with every other limb.
I was in school and we were in health class learning about drugs. We saw a video on amphetamine and hallucinagens and what not, which was ironic for me since that year things like LSD and Shrooms just mystified me and I want to try them so bad for some reason.
But anyway, it was funny and I noticed as I was laughing my head slumped and sound wouldnt even come out. I knew I wouldnt be able to make it through the day.
Long story short (sorry guys heh. ) I stumbled and almost fell right into the office and trying to look normal as possible called my mom to come get me. I was also put on homebound from school for at least a month.
I got home in a really depressed state, I didnt wanna even talk to my mom because she was the reason I got taken off the meds. All because I would wake up at night screaming or "trying to" from my dreams. Or I would talk in my sleep and move around because my body wouldt be paralyzed since I go straight into REM and skip everything else.
So that day after getting all this news, I was too depressed to care about anything. In fact I was extremely sleepy from keeping myself awake from being scared of that astral projection experience.
So I decided, im going to go to sleep, I know im going to have crazy, vivid, dreams that might get scary, and I might even astral project, but I just dont care.
I had that nothing matters kind of mindset and nothing did matter. So I went straight into my room closed the door and closed my eyes, not wanting to care or think about anything.
I was asleep within minutes and as I drifted I could hear voices, I count understand and deep, almost in a sinister way but they didnt scare me. "another symtom of Narcolepsy" i thought.
I slept all day up until nighttime. The dreams i had the most depressing vibes. The colors of the walls and buildings dark, even though it was daytime. I would say it was almost like a "fog" of gloom everywhere. like when you hit "darken" on the photo editing apps.
I was so conciously aware in these dreams but didnt really care to do anything and would drift in and out passivley. Most took place in my school, and I remember walking through the hall and running into a girl.
The girl I ran into is a girl from school who, honestly we must have had something going on in a past life lol. I feel so connected to her even though due to so much drama from my life and even the Nacolepsy/Cataplexy I didnt even talk to her. When I did it felt so natural and you could feel the energy and sexual tension all that.
But anyways, in this dream I had arrived back to school after being gone and she was happy to see me. I felt like I wanted to kiss her, we were right in front of each other. But then her face started to turn into a demon or something like that. Like those evil mermaids that are so pretty until you get close and they try to eat you.
But I didnt care, I was like eat me. Im not scared because i dont care, I want you too. She then turned back to normal and I blacked out.
From that point on, the dreams wern't like dreams anymore. I felt in the most peacefull and relaxed state. I felt that I still didnt care, but it felt good. Not like my life was so bad that I had nothing worth caring about. It was more that Life was just not worth caring about. I felt so accepting of everything. Like, life is pointless in a way, I just exist but thats all. Everything exists but Im not gonna think about it before i confuse myself, im just going to exist right now and worry later before it gets complicated.
I remember seeing my room. It was different, if felt different. It felt like It was just me in my room floating. "Im out of my body" Thats the only thought I remember, " Im out of my body, im not scared, I dont care about being scared". I was just floating in my room, it was so bright in a way. I would describe it as a "mist" almost. The sun shining through the blinds and it was like blur effect and brighten on a picture editing app.
It was peacefull, I wasnt thinking at all, no thoughts, just me floating in my room. I dont remember seeing myself though, more like a first person POV. I was simply aware of the fact that I was floating in my room.
As I type about it, I start to remember that I actually did leave my body. I rememeber the feeling of separating and how good it felt that I wasnt scared ." How I dont care whats about to happen if I leave, i dont care... Im not scared."
When I woke up, and I wasnt depressed anymore. Sure, thoughts would come into my head and its almsot like I could feel the potential of how much that small negative thought would change everything completly. So I would brush it off.
I realized that my mom didnt understand my disorder and I was so amd at her for getting my meds changed but I accepted it. I was glad it happened. The meds I was taken off of and the ones I was put on paved way for me to have more experience. To be less scared.
Because let me say, I was really scared and if it hadnt been for that I would have never come to peace with this Naroclepsy and Cataplexy. I still almost want it to get worse lol.
For a short period I was so calm and at peace and less likeley to wake myself up in fear at night just because I realize im dreaming. I dont know, of all the times I remember astral projecting and being out of my body. Even though they were all for short periods, this one had to be my favorite.
Even compared to my first obe that I remember 3 months ago, that had to have been at a real vibratory state, as scared as I was. I really want to conciously astral project but anytime I find myself leaving the body fear sets in and I end it as fast as possible.
But its not as bad as it would have been with me running away form my bed lol. I end it calmly now, peacefully. ABB's videos have helped too.
I do thiink that the next time I see myself projecting whether I had the intent or not, I will follow through with it.
The point in this long story (sorry heh) was that I think that meditation isnt just sitting down with your legs crossed and eyes closed. Maybe meditation is any way you have of relaxing yourself and getting into a clearer state of mind.
I've always slept when ive had things on my mind that were just too much to bear to even think about. It feels good. Now that I have Narcolepsy, sleep has so much more meaning than something I used to do at "bedtime".
Sleep is my meditation. The fact that my body can go into REM within 5 minutes, it has to be true. I started treating this condition like a curse, but this curse that has me asleep all the time, is the gift thats helping me wake up.
Since its summer im going to skip taking these pills a lot more and just sleep around the hosue on those rainy days. Ill probably learn a lot! Thanks for reading this long story
I also am curious to know, what things do you do to meditate? What reasons do you meditate for?