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Please Advice Me

Am not very good at writing so i will try. I met an amazing girl after 27 years of searching and being picky nd a little unlucky and lack of confidence, I didn’t realize it was because of watching too much porn from a young age. had chances it a few women and could never get aroused, i even taught i was gay for a while but i was never attracted to men at all and one day i came across a site called yourbrainonporn and realize my problem.

i decided to heal myself, 3 months cold turkey without porn was the cure, During the first month I joined the gym to keep busy, Met the love of my life which i know had to be faith because of the way we met, I met her at on the opening day of the Olympics, A friend of mine who i wasn’t talking to cos we had a argument invite me to there place to watch the opening night fireworks. i left the gym that night waiting the bus to go home because i wasn’t interested in going to the party but another friend of mine called me and begged me to come so i said ok.

That night was the night I met the love of my life. she was a work colleague of my friend throwing the party nd he didn’t even invite her so she also didn’t want to go to the party but was dragged there by another work friend that’s why i know it was meant to be and the funny thing is that she lived 30mins away from me and also went to my gym, lol. We have so much in common, so much its scary, only thing we didn’t have in common was music lol.

During this time i had a problem, i lost my job a few while back, I didn’t think it would be a problem nd I taught I would soon get a job so didn’t bother telling her. Which I know now was a very wrong move, I told her about my sex problem but I didn’t tell her it started from my teen years. She was so amazing, we took things slow, just cuddled and kissed, am crying while writing this.

Finally, one day I climaxed for the first time with a woman, all the kissing a touching was so amazing, I loved her and she loved me. She told me about a past experience with men who lied and cheated on her that’s why she followed her best friend from Australia and moved the London then she met me. Where so in love, we had so many plans and planned to go to Australia in February to meet her parents, which was why I started to get sad inside my because months have gone buy and I still didn’t have a job and was too scared to tell her because I taught I will lose her, so many stories about couples breaking up because of money and debt, i was avoiding doing things with her, except for when I get my welfare checks which wasn’t enough.

Started watching porn again and the sex was less, arguing about really silly things. She taught I lost interest in her and asked me twice if I wanted to be with her. I guess it got too much for her constantly thinking it was her fault, so last week, we were suppose the go to her roommate’s birthday party for food and drinks, I told her I didn’t want to go which was when she said she wanted time and space to think and said something as changed and told me to come and see her yesterday, before yesterday came I felt like she was going to break up with me but while I was going there, I just didn’t think it was going to happen, I had so much plan to change and sort my life out, but it happened. She said she still loves me it hurts. I told her to give another chance but she said she need time and space, we held each other hugged and cried.

I left for home, all I did was cry, I haven’t cried since I was a kid so it was so weird to me. I could not believe we broke up but what makes hate myself was that she taught the spark just went away, but it went because I lied to her for a year about me having a job. I finally told her everything and this was what I said:

Hi, this will be the last message I send you for while. I feel like I should be 100 percent honest with you, for you to realize this was mostly my fault, I know it's your fault too but I feel like if I have told you the whole truth maybe this would never have happened. I lost my job a few weeks before I met you, and I was so embarrassed that I couldn't tell you, my friends don't even know, I felt so insecure nd unhappy going to the job Centre signing on. I had money saved up I taught I'd get another job in no time but I didn't, that's why I became distant changed, I guess you can fig the rest out. Last thing is that, am not the so called player with girls I told you I was, iv only been with two girls in my life, one lasted a month nd the other girl is you.

I had many chances but I was shy nd very picky prob cos of my upbringing, who knows, because, I wanted to find the one. So if you think about it, you should realize why masturbating for almost most of my life to porn nd not getting the real thing really ruined it for me. Found you, became happy then it sunked in that I have no job, became unhappy lost confidence nd went back to porn. I just didn't know you would realise something was wrong, nd why I was so distant because I just wasn't use to being with a woman before.

It's the reason why I didn't want to go to Australia even though I wanted to so bad with you, but I pushed you away, constantly arguing about silly things I would never think of arguing about nd this is why things happened the way it did, Me telling you this has probably pushed you away even more, I deserve it. Am glad you ended it nd I think it's the best thing for both of us right now, I need to sort my life out and be the guy you met last year, when I do, who knows, if you give me another chance or just want to be friends, I'll be very happy, because I want you in my life. But right now it hurts too much to be just friends. I love you soo much. Please don't feel like you need to reply. I just want to tell you everything. I took me 27 years to find you and I blew it. Please don’t hate me.

She then said this: It must have been hard for u to admit all this. I understand why kept it from me. Relationships are built on trust and it's not the fact u didn't have a job or weren't experienced lover. What hurts me the most is that u thought any of that mattered to me and that u couldn't trust me enough to tell me. U have a lot to figure out about life and love. I don’t hate you but right now am really hurt and uve broken my trust. I need time.

I cried so hard went she sent me that msg. Then I told her I give her all the time she needs. That was this morning and we haven’t spoken since. Do you guys think i have a chance with her still? Or have i lost her for good, i want to fight to win her bk and her trust, i want to marry her one day, she made me want to be a better person in every area of my life, i want to sort my life out and show her, but am so scared she will find someone else one day, how much is time? It hurt so much i cant breathe, i know it possible to get over someone one day but i dont want to get over her, i cant belive iv probably lost her.


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