What is my problem?
Lately I have noticed something bad in me. There is an increasing feeling of detachment and indifference to everything following me wherever i go and whatever I do, and whatever I see. It is a feeling of " nothing excites me anymore". I react the same when I see a rose as when I see a pile of poop. Should I not react differently to a pile of poop as I should react by seeing a beautiful rose?
Why do I not feel the sounds of the birds anymore? Why do i not appreciate and feel nature anymore? Why do I not feel the music anymore? Why do I not feel anything anymore?
The only thing i feel is anger and hatred.
My dreams reflect this detachment and indifference. A part of me is excited about things, but another part of me blocks the excitement from reaching my being. I can be conceptually excited about love and life and beauty, but I cannot feel the excitement. My feelings are not there. The emotional connection is not there.
Please help me understand what has happened to me.
Is this a good or a negative sign?
Is it a result of enlightenment and stillness, or is it perhaps a reault of repressed frustration, hatred and anger? My theory is that i have repressed emotions from frustrating situations and people who treated me unfairly, and because of this my chakras are closed and not flowing freely. Maybe my life energy is blocked by repressed emotion and therefore my heart has closed. I dont know. These are just speculations.
What happened to my original feeling of being excited about everyone and about everything?
I hate this feeling of indifference and detachment and dissociation from my surrounding.
Another thing that has happened is that for one year, all my dreams have been only grey and lifeless. My dreams are no longer beautiful and mystical lucid dreams like before. Now, my dreams are only lifeless and grey segments that dont make any sense at all.
And when I wake up from my sleep, I no longer feel energized. But I always wake up feeling more tired than when I slept.
And throughout the day there is this feeling of tiredness, indifference, and detachment from life. Nothing can excite me anymore. Even music , that used to make me feel so strong emotions and cry, now dont make me feel anyhing anymore. Not eve music feels anything.
Today i woke up hearing my favourite bird sounds outside the window and the sun is shining. But still there is nothing that excites me or make me feel " what a wonder lful day". Its more like, i just hear the sounds , but i dont feel it.
What has happened to me?
Is this a bad sign or maybe its a good sign?
Why does it feel like this?